1000 Ways to Kill Zaizen
by Crystal Suns
Summary: Umm...there's not much to say about this one...Each of the STN-J members devises an original plan to kill that annoying leader of theirs, Zaizen. (Especially after the uniform rule...) Read to find out the wacky ways they try to rid the world of this gr


1,000 Ways to Kill Zaizen

Chapter 1

~~~

Michael's Plan:

  As per usual, Michael was sitting in front of his computer at the STN-J, fooling around and looking up pictures of girls in bikinis. All of a sudden he heard frantic footsteps running down the hall into the room elevator.

  "What the…?"  Michael quickly clicked out of a particularly skimpy picture of an American bathing beauty.  Doujima skidded into the room.

  "ZAIZEN IS COMING!!  ZAIZEN IS COMING!"  She screeched, looking wildly around the room.  "Quick!  Hide all the empty soba boxes!"

  "What?!" Sakaki exclaimed, looking up from the computer he was seated in front of. "He never comes to work anymore! Lazy old geezer!"

  "ZAIZEN IS COMING!! ZAIZEN IS COMING!!" The frantic girl shouted again.

  "We heard you the first time," said an annoyed Karasuma.

  Kosaka's face appeared from behind the wall, extracting a surprised "GAK" from Doujima.  "HE CAN'T HAVE MY TEA!"  The bald man screamed.  Then, turning to his assistant, he said, "Go hide the mint tea in the closet."

  "You're not ever supposed to be drinking tea in the first place, baldy!" Sakaki shouted, frantically trying to hide all the wrappers from the food he had been eating.

  "Who cares, screw up?!" the chief yelled back, also trying to hide the evidence of his own laziness.

  Robin, on the other hand, sat where she was, calmly watching all of the mayhem around her without much interest. Her workspace was immaculately clean.

  "How close was he when you saw him?!"  Michael asked, shoving a printout of a rather poorly dressed Britney Spears under the console.  (A/N [Nightsailer]:  He had no idea who she was; he just thought she was hot)

  "He was about three blocks away," Doujima panted.

  "THEN HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM?!"  Sakaki shouted.  (A/N: [SanoGirl: Another point- how would she know he was coming to work? He could just walk by the STN-J…)

  "Well, who can miss that haircut?!"  the blond huntress snapped.

  Amon rubbed his temple in irritation.  "What's the big deal?" he asked in his calm voice.  "Why should we care if he sees the place like it usually is?  It's not like he works here and has to cope with this pigsty every day…"

  "Good point," mused Doujima, pausing in the middle of trying to stuff all her fashion magazines out of sight. "He's never around anymore…"

  "Maybe he has a new squeeze," Sakaki suggested

  "With that haircut?!"

  Shrugging, the rookie hunter dumped two gigantic handfuls of wrappers and empty cups into the already overflowing trash can and then plopped himself down in one of the chairs.

  "Ok, I think we're ready," Michael said, relieved.  He also fell back into his chair to await their boss's arrival.

  Footsteps came closer outside in the hall.  Everyone's eyes were fixed on the door, waiting for Zaizen to open it and start the lecture.  Michael took one last look around to make sure everything was clear.  Then his eyes went wide.

  "SAKAKI!"  He screamed.  "GET THAT LAST BABE MAGAZINE OFF THE FLOOR!!"

  There was a mad rush for the issue that had lain forgotten in the corner just as the door opened, revealing a very pissed off Zaizen.

  "What the hell is wrong with you guys?! There hasn't been one successful hunt completed this week!"

  In their defense, Sakaki would have added that it was only Monday, but, in fear for his life, he wisely said nothing.

  "Michael! Hack into Solomon's files and get us some info now! I want to see you all in the meeting room, with a target, in fifteen minutes!" He glanced once more at the unconventional team of hunters. "And for shit's sake get some uniforms or suits or something! You look like a gaggle of street punks!" He stalked out of the room. (A/N: [SanoGirl]: *looks up a synonym for unconventional* Eccentric…unusual…avant-garde?! [Nightsailer]: Wow!  That's even more random than looking up spread and somehow getting mushroom! [SanoGirl]: Only you…)

  "I…am NOT…wearing…a GOD DAMN SUIT!"  Amon slammed his fists down on the computer, nearly bursting open the console.  He looked from one of his comrades to the other, and, seeing their agreement, said, "We have to do something about that eccentric old fool!" (A/N: [SanoGirl]: Sounds very…Amonyish. ^.^ It's my new word! [Nightsailer]: That word looks like anonymous…)

  Michael's fingers were already flying over the keyboard, searching for their next target. In a few minutes, the genius, amazing, wonderful, especially bishouneny-ish hacker (A/N [Nightsailer]:  Think ya got enough adjectives in there, Foxy Woxy? [SanoGirl]: O.O MY TRUE NAME HAS BEEN REVEALED! HOW DARE YOU?! Now I'm going to have internet stalkers!  [Nightsailer]:  …YAY!) had found an easy witch target within the city's limits. "I have one!" he announced to no one in particular, as they were all bitching and moaning in various ways about the new uniform policy.

  "Uniforms don't go well with my eyes!" Doujima was complaining loudly.

  "Oh, somebody call the wahmbulance," Michael muttered, printing out the results of his search.  Picking up his papers, he walked unnoticed into the meeting room like the goody two shoes he is.

  Karasuma followed right after him, deciding to keep her complaints to herself.  A few seconds later, Sakaki made an amazing discovery. "Hey! Michael and Miss Karasuma are gone!"

  Nodding, Robin rose and also headed over to the meeting room. Everyone else followed, Sakaki and Doujima still whining loudly.  Amon was silent in his disposition, but in his head, he was thinking up some very colorful phrases, each having to do with death to a certain gray-haired bleep. (A/N: [SanoGirl]: Well…what's left of his hair anyway.)

  About ten minutes later, all were finally seated around the meeting room table and silent as the object of their hatred entered the room. Standing before them, he announced calmly, "I have decided to issue the usage of…Orbo Bombs."

  He was met with dead silence and blank stares all around.

  "Isn't that…dangerous?"  Doujima pointed out.  Several nods of agreement could be seen around the table.

  Except for one person.

  "Orbo…Bombs?"  Amon asked, eyes going wide with wonder.  "What a concept!  We could wipe out an entire city full of witches with just one of them!"

  "Not to mention wiping out the whole human population," Sakaki muttered.

  "Can't say he'd complain, though!"  Doujima agreed.

  "It's like his dream come true," the rookie replied knowingly.

  "He can hear you guys, you know," Karasuma pointed out, matter-of-factly.

  But it seemed the dark hunter was too enthralled with the idea of the bombs to really notice anyone else.

  "However," Zaizen added, pressing a button on the conference table, "I am going to have you all fitted for uniforms…now."

  That snapped Amon out of his stupor as several tailors came trotting into the room, each bearing a measuring tape, lots of pins, and some very disgusting looking colors.

  "UGH!" Doujima shouted as one tailor started to size her up. "Puke green suits, mustard yellow shirts, and a brown tie?! WHAT THE HELL?!"

  Amon seemed to be just as upset, but he kept his vocalizing to a minimum and only let out a grunt when his overcoat was taken from him. He promptly kicked the man in the…groin. After that, the tailor sizing Amon was very careful and very sterile. (A/N [SanoGirl]: That was Nightsailer, just FYI, with the whole sterile thing… [Nightsailer]:  *Waves around those cheesy Japanese flags with the red dot*  GO AMON!!!)

  Michael, being the only one who escaped this terror, sat back and snickered into his hand as his companions were forced and poked into shades of green, brown, and mustard yellow.  He smugly straightened his own sloppy looking clothes, watching the loathing in Amon's eyes with satisfaction.  _Well, I suppose I should do something about that old geezer interfering…Amon DOES look pretty ridiculous in that outfit.  Hate to see what the ladies would say about THAT attire…_  With that thought, he turned and walked silently back into the main room to start his plan.

  Robin seemed to be the only one who wasn't too upset.  Even Karasuma had a horrific look of disgust on her face.

  A few minutes later, Zaizen declared that he was going on a coffee break, and commanded that everyone should go back to work.  Grumbling, the STN-J crew turned on their heels and walked back to see what their favorite hacker was up to.

  "Hey guys!"  He exclaimed, waving a pair of sunglasses in the air.  "I got it!"

  "Gee, that was fast," Doujima muttered. (A/N [SanoGirl]: Well he is a GENIUS afterall… [Nightsailer]: But from reading manga, hun, you should know that that doesn't account for much.  *cough cough CHRIS THE SUPER GENIUS cough cough*)

  "See?  This is a virtual reality program that will suck that old geezer into my computer and let us use him as a character in a video game!"  The hacker explained.

  "Well, Einstein, I only find one thing wrong with your plan…" Sakaki said sarcastically. "How the hell are we going to get Zaizen to wear a pair of sunglasses?!"

  "He has a point," Doujima chimed in, glancing at the tinted glasses in Michael's hand. "They aren't exactly a fashion statement, you know."

  "Since when has Zaizen cared about that?!" Michael demanded. "The man wears the SAME gray suit to work every day."

  "Does everything have to do with fashion?" Karasuma wondered aloud, sounding more then a little exasperated.

  "Of course!  Everything has fashion!"

  "Even turtles?"  Sakaki asked.

  "Sure," Doujima answered.

  "Oh Zaizen!"  Karasuma walked out of the room.  "I have a pair of sexy glasses for little ol' youuuuuu!"

  "Uh………….."  Sakaki brilliantly said. "Miss…Karasuma?"

  With a little squeak, Doujima frantically started pointing at the stairwell from Zaizen's office, but Karasuma, having her back turned to the blond girl, didn't notice.

  "I think they'd accent your _sexy_ blue eyes," the older woman went on in a high, false voice. "You're age has only increased your overall wonderfulness."

  "Kinda like wine?" Sakaki asked.

  "Wine? Where?" Michael asked, looking around.

  "You really think I look that good?" Zaizen asked, with a slight blush.

  _Pervy old man…_Michael thought.

  "EEEEEKK!!!!" Karasuma shouted, whirling around and slapping the glasses on her boss's face. "Send him now Michael! SEND HIM!!"

  Sakaki, however, held up a hand to stop the hacker, and took a step toward Karasuma and Zaizen.  Grabbing her hand, he joined it with Zaizen's, and said, "I hope you two will be very happy together."

  "Ugh, that's too gross for people even at HER age," Michael grunted, jamming a button and sending Zaizen into the gaming dimension.  Karasuma, in turn, turned to Sakaki and proceeded to smack him full in the face.

  "Yep…ages like wine…"

  Meanwhile, Michael was busy clicking away and laughing his head off at a little chibi Zaizen figure running around on his computer screen.

  "Oh, a rocket launcher! This'll work!"

  Everyone immediately crowded around the hacker's screen. Laughing some more, Michael shot multiple weapons at their mini boss, barely missing and watching as the grey-haired man cowered in fear. (A/N: [Nightsailer]: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [SanoGirl]: …THAT'S MY LINE! [Nightsailer]: SCREW YOU! [SanoGirl]: Only if your name is SAKAKI! Or Michael.)

  Sakaki grabbed the mouse away from Michael and proceeded to win fourteen levels in a row.  After failing to beat the final level twenty-five times, he handed the mouse off to Amon and said, "You do it."

  "Erk…Sure…"  The black haired hunter took the mouse from Sakaki and took his place in front of the monitor.  He took great care in making sure that he had everything in order, including checking his tie and straightening his pants for the fifteenth time since the fitting.

  "Um, Amon," Michael interjected, "I think that you should, oh I don't know, release the pause button?"

  "Oh, uh, right."  Amon hit the key and put his fingers awkwardly onto the controls.  "Like this?"

  Dead silence ensued.

  "Yeah, dumbass, even I know that," Karasuma said.

  "Shut up," Amon muttered, proceeding to take a few virtual steps through the door labeled "Level 15".  Almost immediately, their boss was plastered across the monitor with a gigantic sign that read "Failed."

  Cursing under his breath, Amon started over and tried the level again…and again…and again…and again.  Finally after being beaten fifty-seven times, Amon turned from the console and asked in a flat voice, "Where are the Orbo bombs?"

  "You're…worse than I am…" Sakaki said, his eye twitching.

  Amon yanked out his gun and proceeded to fire several rounds directly into the screen.

  "MY COMPUTER!!!!" Michael screamed.

  "Who cares?!" Karasuma exclaimed. "Where'd Zaizen go?"

  Another round of dead silence ensued.

  "Uh…well…since he was still in the computer when it…crashed…he's…still in another dimension…"

  "That sucks," Sakaki commented, not sounding very disconcerted.  "Well, at least we managed to plaster him across the screen a few times…"

  Amon grunted and knocked his head into the desk.

  "Amon…………MICHAEL…………….."

  "EEP!"  The crew turned around to see a very unhappy (and very crispy) Zaizen standing in the doorway, brandishing a handful of Orbo Bombs.

  "God dammit," Amon commented.  "Why didn't he die?"

~*~

Ok.  Comments.  Well…..we each had four cokes and a helluva lot of marshmallows and cookies, and currently it is like 11:15 at night!  So yeah we were hyper, to say the very least.  In each chapter, the characters will have a shot at killing their beloved leader, including Chief Kosaka and Nagira!  Although how he ties in with the STN-J is beyond us…THAT'S OK!  Maybe he came to finally set up that barbeque with Doujima…

Yeah, well, all I have to say is this is slightly…different…then the other WHR stuff we've written. (And very OOC! ^-^) For instance, Nightsailer is the author of "You Loved Me Anyway" and SanoGirl is the author of "I Cannot Offer You Freedom". We swear, we're not mentally deranged, we just have an…eccentric side none of you have ever seen! No angst, sorry! (Unless you're actually a Zaizen fan…)


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